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Bottom-most stories of duh year
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 BAMBINAPPER Jack Fray, 11, reenacts his April crime as Dan Johnson of the Radiator Doctor gives mock chase. File photo/Union Democrat, copyright 2009 We will be considerate, careful and mindful of any near- or long-term consequences our actions and decisions may have. Collectively we will have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by.
Lucky for the rest of us, that year was not 2009.
Civility, common sense and good taste never stood a chance.
Instead, competition has been fierce for the dishonor of being the best
of the worst. But now the dust has settled. 1. Weird science: A controlled burn? In August? Yep, it is an oxymoron. But morons at the National Park Service nevertheless tried setting one near Foresta in Yosemite, and — Dagnabit! — the planned 91-acre blaze quickly jumped its lines to char nearly 7,500 acres of dry timber and burn through $15 million in firefighting costs over two weeks. Then Dave Uberagua, Yosemite’s acting superintendent, actually said the science behind the burn-gone-bad was so good that he’d “do it again.” Which gives a whole new meaning to the term “no brainer.” 2. Big Oak Fiasco: The year-long recall-and-replacement drama at the dysfunctional Big Oak Flat-Groveland School Unified District had it all. Allegations of teacher plagiarism, turf battles, backroom deals, shady firings, spiteful demotions, an allegedly double-dipping superintendent, a reportedly bullying, abusive trustee, restraining orders and a new board that just might be worse than the old are all part of this long-running and tawdry soap opera. Even the voyeuristic L.A. Times sent a reporter up to file the latest chapter in the paper’s periodic “Yokels Run Amok” series. 3. Wiki-Wars: Sonora’s Wikipedia site in September became the battleground of an uncivil war. On one side were “cyber vandals” who labeled the town a racist, elitist backwater, and stuck local-girl-makes-bad porn star Brooke Haven on its “Prominent Sonorans” list. On the other side were Chamber-of-Commerce types who touted the gift shops, boutiques and charming cafes of a place that sounded uptight, boring and definitely unfriendly toward aspiring porn stars. Sonora’s site was trashed, rehabilitated, prissified, torpedoed, massaged, sabotaged and salvaged until the geeks and nerds — as well as readers — got bored. 4. All wet: Members of a Copperopolis engine crew in September pulled a rookie firefighter from a local tavern, held him by the arms in the parking lot, and opened fire on his “chest and groin” with a high-pressure hose — prompting passers-by to wonder what in the Wide World of Sports was going on. Fire district apologists defended the very public stunt as a “morale-building exercise.” Which led some to conclude that low-morale firefighters with groins intact might be more effective. 5. Give us a brake: That Angels Camp fire engine that rolled off the station lot in April, crossed Highway 4 and plunged into Angels Creek didn’t do it on its own. Parallel (and probably costly) fire and police department investigations both concluded that “operator error” (translation: some knucklehead forgot to put on the emergency brake) was responsible for the mishap. The plunge necessitated thousands of dollars in repairs and gave rise to speculation that a disciplinary hose-down might be in order. 6. Cowboys and Indians: The cowboys are the board and staff of the Tuolumne City Sanitary District, which the Indians claim doctored up some sewage samples from the Black Oak Casino to justify dinging them for an additional $2.9 million in treatment plant costs. A threatened lawsuit, recall threats, feared rate increases, public outcry and director resignations followed. The board has defended a recent settlement under which the district would borrow $1 million from the Me-Wuks instead of getting nearly $3 million in cash. 7. Waffling n’ Ribbing: After four years of false starts, speculation and rumor, the vacant Jeb’s Waffles n’ Ribs restaurant at Mono Way and Greenley Road had become Tuolumne County’s top water-cooler topic. A flurry of late-summer landscaping activity fueled gossip, and “What’s going on with Jeb’s?” became the season’s most pressing question. Then, on Aug. 20, the restaurant actually opened. Suddenly the Godot-like mystique was gone and Jeb’s, alas, became just another place to eat. 8. Bambi-boozled: Sonora’s most celebrated 2009 heist did not involve cash or jewelry. Instead, it was the May theft of a fake deer from in front of the Radiator Doctor repair shop on Washington Street. Owner Adrien Favareille lost no time in pursuing Bambi, the business’s street-side mascot. He issued “all-points bulletins,” set up a hotline, and posted “Lost Deer” signs. A few days later the embarrassed culprits — a Sonora woman and her 11-year-old grandson — surrendered Bambi. They had chucked the plastic doe into their SUV after concluding that a “free” sign posted next to a stack of junk pallets instead referred to the deer. It’s a mistake they won’t make again. 9. No tree left behind: We got a quick lesson in how Sacramento works when neighbors challenged Cal Fire’s scorched-earth plan to remodel its Altaville station. That plan calls for removal of nearly 40 trees, including a stately redwood planted at the dedication of the original station in 1951. Although virtually everyone in Angels Camp is against the scheme, Cal Fire bureaucrats said changing the plan would cost a half-million bucks and send the project back to the bottom of a 10-year funding list. But, hey folks, thanks for your input. 10. What recession? Unemployment in Dorrington, according to the state, is a flat, surrealistic zero percent. In this microscopic high-country town, the Employment Development Department says, everyone in the workforce has a job. So what’s the secret? Darned if resident Ray Davis knows: “There’s no place to hardly work up there,” he said. “We’re all retired.” Rumors that the Obama administration is nevertheless planning a pro-stimulus photo op in front of the Lube Room — the town’s only bar and a major employer — are unconfirmed. |
